The Black Mansion

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Emotional pain...

Posted on 27/11/2020

8 min. read

A shot in the heart.

What do I mean with emotional pain?

The expression ‘emotional pain’ is quite colorful. Like the word ‘love’ it means many things to many people. Yet, some things are constant across all the different use-cases when one uses this expression. These constant things are (to me): An indescribable pain in the stomache that isn’t quite physical but feels like it; a heavy feeling; being hopeless; not seeing the point in something; being depresed, lethargic. We’ve all had to handle this at one point or another. In this post I will be going medias in res and breaking it down for you and trying to describe ways towards becoming ‘better’.

To do..

These upcoming tips or this advice, if you will, is once again things that have worked for me and I do not claim to know everything or have the solutions to everything. I am just a fellow-human trying to share his experiences and what he has learned.

It is not ‘irrelevant’ or ‘melodrama’

The most widely-advocated piece of advice I hear when someone is grieving, be it myself or somebody else, is ‘You need to talk about your pain!’. They are right. Talking about what caused your grievance or the reason for your less-light mood, is extremely important. Fine. You need to talk and get it off your chest. But to whom? Now, the intuitive response to this would be: ‘Oh idk, parents, friends, right?’. Well, yes and no. Sometimes parents are too busy or write your pain off as ‘melodrama’ or the result of your own idiocy. Yes, maybe the cause for your grievance was pure idiocy. But that doesn’t mean, that the feelings you have, do not matter. Fact of the matter is, first, acknowledge to yourself that what you are feeling is totally valid and should not be trivialized by anybody. If you did something stupid and this landed you in the situation that you are in, you need to own up to it. You need to reach peace and clarity. So if you feel that you did something stupid then own up to it for yourself and accept it. Next, know it is totally fine. We all make mistakes. Now you need to talk. But to whom? If, like me, you are proud and do not really like to talk to friends in order to not break character or maybe to maintain an image, you can always reach out to wild strangers. I have found that trying to get to know new people online over social media often helps. But do not commit emotionally to these people. You may risk getting hurt again. If you have friends and you trust them and do not have to maintain an image, call them, meet them and try to talk about what is on your mind. Maybe even ask them for advice on a further course of action if there is a sticky situation causing your hurt. If this fails, you are not lost. Read on.

Count your blessings

Fine. So you don’t have anyone and are alone. What to do now? The first thing one needs to understand is, that these grievances come and go. Because in the grand perspective of your life, these things are one thing that get you down for a restricted period of time and usually have one underlying reason you can always work on and thus, get out of your life. So, first, appreciate the things that you do have and be grateful for them. If you have already identified the cause of your grievance, be aware that a prolonged(or not, depends) state of being down is just a mental state and can be worked on and alleviated. Hence, you should try to see if the problem on hand, is a problem you can solve or if the problem is something you have no control over. I do realise that taking such a rational approach to these things is often very hard because you might feel hopeless. But if you try to understand and identify the causes of your problems, you have already made the first step towards alleviating it. If the problem is something you can control, try and workout a solution and try to remember that if you make a plan towards solving it, this will give you a feeling of hope. If it is not something you have control over, try to bring it under your control and if even this is impossible, then understand it and change your perception of the problem. Sound hard? No, it isn’t. Read on.

Weaponize your pain

If there is something you cannot change that is causing you to be down, identify it as such and think about the following: Anything, we as humans cannot control, will always cause unrest and even more so, if you are not sure how to handle the situation or if it is something beyond your control. These things, while often seeming hopeless, have a way out. You need to change your perception. This can be done in two ways. First, accept the situation and try to see it’s positives. Maybe this problem is in reality a blessing in disguise or maybe you simply couldn’t see the positive aspects because your head was clouded by the superifical hopelessness that the situation presented. The second thing is, I’m afraid, not so optimistic. Swallow it and then remember it as something you mastered and accepted and use this very pain and negativity to instill a sense of indestructability because you became master of your pain and hurt and used it to build your self-confidence. This second option is usually the default situation but usually the one with the highest emotional yield. Only you know what you went through and you also know that you mastered your pain and used it to fuel you and give you emotional energy. In my case, every time somebody broke me, I used this method and I built iron self-confidence. Sure, old wounds never really heal but at the end of the day I better knew how to protect myself from such damage and how to stay untouchable and aloof. You can and should do the same if all other options fail. You got this.


I hope I could help you with this post on how to deal with pain and if you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. You can find my social media links in the menu at the top of the page. I’m here for anyone who needs to talk to someone or just wants to get to know me or simply wants to meet new people. Please remember that I do not claim to have the solutions to everything and that I am simply writing about the things that worked for me. You know best what works for you. Trust that.