The Black MansionThe difference between love and lust is infatuation.
Love, Sex and Infatuation
Posted on 21/10/2020
14 min. read
Beauty in a retro aesthetic!
Why this post?
Growing up is always hard and I will be up-front with you. Growing up in a country like Austria was never an easy undertaking, seen from a social perspective. When different, you are shunned and an outcast. In school, I was always the odd one out for the simple reason that I found my class-mates to be a) quite stupid and b) quite small-minded and uncultured. Three character traits that, combined, made a furious cocktail I despised. Although, I tried to be nice and kind, that didn’t really take root, hence I looked for friends and companionship in other places. I got to know many people, girls and boys. Each person I tried to engage in a somewhat amorous relationship I loved in a special way. But all that has a beginning, has an end. And like with so many things, this end made me sad and usually left me distraught. In this post I want to talk about the different mistakes I made using five hypothetical situations and help you avoid these mistakes.
Hypothetical situation No 1
You are a guy/girl called A and you have a crush on a guy/girl called B. A thinks about B, has a crush on them, gets B’s number and they text up and down for an absolute age. Then either of two things happen. A tells B, that they have a crush on B and B agrees to meet and B is not what A expected and A is distraught and closes up emotionally and freezes, blocks B. Second situation: B tells A that A is overwhelming them and doesn’t want to talk to them anymore. Same net result for A.
Hypothetical situation No 2
Same setup, different dynamic. A and B both have the same gender and B is desperately into A, but A is not sure if they are into a same-sex relationship. A is not sure because he is ashamed of openly showing him to be into same-sex relationships but on a sexual level really wants B for themselves. Hence, A treats B horribly and blocks them. B is distraught and carries away emotional hurt.
Hypothetical situation No 3
A is so emotionally frozen at this point that A has given up totally, concerning dating. A has a friend called C. C invites A to a party and A goes, thinking they can hang out with C and forget everything for a couple of hours. However, A meets B who is beautiful, sophisticated, kind, cute, basically somebody A is really interested in. They talk about many things and eventually make out. But what is this? A feels a small spark of affection for B, a spark that eventually grows into a raging fire. A is most interested in B and leaves the party, giving B one deep kiss before leaving the party of C. Next day, A texts B, asking B if they want to hang out with A. B leaves A on read and that is the last A ever hears of B. A is distraught, believing to have found a perfect partner but is left emotionally disappointed.
Hypothetical situation No 4
A goes on holiday, wanting some time away from their environment, not thinking about the persons from their previous encounters. A is bored and goes for a stroll on the beach. Suddenly he meets B, he goes and talks to them. He finds out B is from the same country but a different place. They liaise and have a beautiful relationship for the duration of A’s holiday including all the physcial and psychological passion involved. When A finds out B has to leave, A is anxious and asks B to stay a little longer. B refuses and emotionally abuses A. Both B and A leave and A goes back distraught, missing B.
Hypothetical situation No 5
A is regenerated and doesn’t really feel anything anymore for anyone. A meets a B who is kind and makes A feel like B really wants them in their life. However, B has some characteristics which make B uninteresting to A. But A doesn’t tell B about their doubts and leads B on. A uses B for either sexual motives or temporary emotional security, security A doesn’t get anywhere else. Eventually, A chucks B aside and moves on to their next play thing. B is emotionally wrecked.
So, what can one learn?
Situation No 1
When you have a crush on somebody, this can be truly an exhilarating feeling, however, analyze why you have a crush on this person and re-think your choices. A long-term partner should be a person whom you can not only love but also be yourself with, this person also has to be like your sibling. They will see the best of you and the worst of you. If you want to know whether pursuing your amorous interests will yield results, ask yourself if you just like the idea of being together with that person or if you could imagine them and you doing weird things together and it being the most normal thing in the world or if that person will see your teddy bear on your pillow and scram.
Situation No 2
While I do realize that this situation can be quite emotionally taxing for A and B, I do think that A’s problem here is that A cares too much about what society thinks and should really think about who they are and what it is they want. If you care about what society thinks of you then you shouldn’t even try a same-sex relationship or at least let all involved parties know what your agenda is and lay down clear boundaries. If you do not, some people will get hurt. If you have reached that dangerous level of awesomeness where you do not care what anybody thinks, go ahead and follow your desires. This mainly comes down to being clear about what you want and having the moral fortitude to act on it.
Situation No 3
This situation is particularly painful for A. A should realise a couple of things, though: First, if somebody doesn’t text back, you, as the party being ignored, really shouldn’t be bothered because ghosting somebody or not replying to someone is just disrespectful and not decent behaviour. In this interconnected world, the boundaries between seriousness and decency have become seriously distorted but the bottom-line is, if somebody is indecent to you, you have done nothing wrong and that person is no longer deserving of your attention. Second, if you are A, you might have felt something was there but keep in mind that your one-night-making-out partner might have been intoxicated and not sure what they were doing in that situation. If you think there might be something there, give the other person time and do not spam or act in a needy way. Gently and discreetly let them know that there might have been something there and then wait. If they respond, try and gain B’s trust. Gently let them know your thoughts about that night. But never rush anything.
Situation No 4
This is an open and shut case. There’s nothing to be done except either texting them and trying to reconnect or writing it off as a holiday romance. If you really want B in your life, though, don’t shy away from trying to contact them and telling them how much they meant to you. Finding that special somebody is hard enough as it is so anybody who exceeds your expectations is definitely worth pursuing to the point where you wouldn’t be compromising your own dignity.
Situation No 5
While A’s motivations are quite understandable in this scenario, A should still let B know what their agenda is, not being honest with anybody is indecent and thus should NEVER be done to anyone. If B wants to stick around because they genuinely like A, A should realise what it is they have in B and be grateful and cherish that. If A is really emotionally unavailable, then A should tell B this and try and workout a solution that benefits both parties.
What you can take with you & the conclusion
The basic take-away from all these situations are the following: When you have an interaction with someone, not only amorous, you should always be decent and give the other person involved in that relationship, space. If you have amorous motives or higher aspirations for that relationship, do not EVER rush anything. You can never only think about your own desires, try imagining what the other person is thinking, what might currently be going on in their life. In addition, be clear about what you want from this relationship, be open and honest with the other person and always be yourself. If you want to get to know somebody, do not put on a facade that isn’t you, if you do so, the other person will get to know some projection of you, not you. One thing to consider, though is this: In today’s world showing your interest in someone is labelled as being needy and insecure. THIS IS RUBBISH! Show it and don’t be shy, but do it in a discreet and tactful fashion. Showing somebody you find them beautiful or attractive or you want to be with them, is the greatest compliment anyone can receive. So love fully, voraciously and honestly.
A last word on the sexual aspects…
I realise one’s sex drive might be quite strong or the desire to just be with someone in that way. However, if you do not really engage with a person on a real, personal level, you will never have a meaningful connection with that person, let alone, roaring sex with them. Also, don’t be scared of facing your own sexuality and staring it squarely in the face, you are who you are. ROCK IT!
I hope this post helped some of you or will at least help some of you gain more clarity. I do not claim to have all answers to everything concerning love, sex and dating. The things mentioned in the last two paragraphs are things I have found to work for me. To some of you it might sound preposterous but that is the reality of it. Social media and easy availability has distorted many things. More about that maybe some other time. Keep those things in mind next time you meet a potential special somebody. I hope you enjoyed this post, have a wonderful evening and stay safe. <3
I am sorry that I haven’t been posting regularly, I will try to do so from now on.